I'm happy and grateful for the people I meet from work, those few (you know who you are) that never fail to make me miss them and laugh when I'm around them. Friends like this are very hard to find nowadays and I'll cherish each and everyone of you.
Can't wait to see them next week ! Finally something to look forward to, also looking forward for the picnic with my boy later ^-^ <3
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Me
A lot going through my mind, a lot of things to do, no time to get enough sleep. Trying my best to squeeze everything together in my schedule. So busy I forgot to breath. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what am I rushing for. So many things to worry about, so many things to be done.
I need more time so please be patient with me. My head is dead but my heart is awake, I feel things more often nowadays then I think. I stare into space very often and my soul was at another part of the world I wish I could be. Part of me is happy but part of me is not, I know what I want in life but it's not under my control anymore. Don't put your hopes high on me because I'll only disappoint. Plans never ever work out for me so I'll always expect the unexpected.
This is me now, maybe it's apart of growing but I wish I was the me then. I don't want to have anything to worry or care about but this is reality. I'm 19 I should be doing my best to help but the pressure is too strong I feel that I might collapse. It'll be nice if you appreciate me but I wish I was better than your friend's daughter. I'll never be and that is a fact. Each day I tell myself I'm stronger than this but deep down I know I'm breaking. The cracks are obvious but you couldn't see.
Life is hard for me but I still love it because of the people around me, I just wish it wouldn't be so hush on me.
I need more time so please be patient with me. My head is dead but my heart is awake, I feel things more often nowadays then I think. I stare into space very often and my soul was at another part of the world I wish I could be. Part of me is happy but part of me is not, I know what I want in life but it's not under my control anymore. Don't put your hopes high on me because I'll only disappoint. Plans never ever work out for me so I'll always expect the unexpected.
This is me now, maybe it's apart of growing but I wish I was the me then. I don't want to have anything to worry or care about but this is reality. I'm 19 I should be doing my best to help but the pressure is too strong I feel that I might collapse. It'll be nice if you appreciate me but I wish I was better than your friend's daughter. I'll never be and that is a fact. Each day I tell myself I'm stronger than this but deep down I know I'm breaking. The cracks are obvious but you couldn't see.
Life is hard for me but I still love it because of the people around me, I just wish it wouldn't be so hush on me.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
6th March
It's March already, time fly pass so fast. I'm so busy with work it almost felt like I'm rushing time to pass. I have so much to do but so little time. Haven been sleeping much ever since I started work. My schedule is so pack I start my day at 930AM and only manage to have some eye shut at 3/4AM. Everyday is the same routine, I feel like I'm just an empty shell.
It's only days like yesterday I'm lucky I get to meet my boy and everything seems to be so wonderful but I'm not lucky all the time. Now everything is back to how it is, reality - wake up, workouts, lunch, bathe, work, sleep. I really wish I could do more with the 24hrs I have everyday, somehow I feel like I'm not doing enough. Never enough.. or good enough.
Life have been good but that feeling is bad and I really hate it. The sleepless nights, the overthinking, no appetite and then weird cravings (which I don't get it in the end) and stress. It's almost like nothing is wrong but something is not right and you know it. You feel like everything bad that happen around you is your fault and nothing seems right anymore.
The more you try not to think the more it appears in your head. You try to keep yourself a distance away from others and can no longer focus. You like the silence but hate the feeling of being alone. Most of the time it feels like time stopped and the feeling is eating you up alive. Your head hurts and all you want to do is knock yourself out and have a good sleep. & when you do get to sleep it hunts you in your dream. It's a fucking cycle and I don't know how to get out of it. Trying is no longer enough but what exactly is enough I wonder..
Nobody will ever understand because I don't even understand it as well. I thought it's gone for good, looks like I'm wrong once again.
It's only days like yesterday I'm lucky I get to meet my boy and everything seems to be so wonderful but I'm not lucky all the time. Now everything is back to how it is, reality - wake up, workouts, lunch, bathe, work, sleep. I really wish I could do more with the 24hrs I have everyday, somehow I feel like I'm not doing enough. Never enough.. or good enough.
Life have been good but that feeling is bad and I really hate it. The sleepless nights, the overthinking, no appetite and then weird cravings (which I don't get it in the end) and stress. It's almost like nothing is wrong but something is not right and you know it. You feel like everything bad that happen around you is your fault and nothing seems right anymore.
The more you try not to think the more it appears in your head. You try to keep yourself a distance away from others and can no longer focus. You like the silence but hate the feeling of being alone. Most of the time it feels like time stopped and the feeling is eating you up alive. Your head hurts and all you want to do is knock yourself out and have a good sleep. & when you do get to sleep it hunts you in your dream. It's a fucking cycle and I don't know how to get out of it. Trying is no longer enough but what exactly is enough I wonder..
Nobody will ever understand because I don't even understand it as well. I thought it's gone for good, looks like I'm wrong once again.
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