All I really am is a selfish bitch that deserve a slap hard on my face for not cherishing what I already have.
I'm not trying hard enough. I complain too much. Nothing goes right as long as it's linking to me. Life can never be as simple as I want it to be. I'm the worst and the last person anyone would want to meet. I'm a very complicated person and it's times like this i get lost in my own thoughts debating what's right and what's wrong.
I haven been sleeping and I've been thinking a lot. This strange feeling is back again I need a way out. How i wish you were here right now hugging me telling me everything is going to be ok as I break down. With you is the only time i feel safe and right but I know you can't always be here for me even if you want to. Nobody can.
I'm trying my best constantly to improve myself to deserve you but I feel like a total failure. I can never do anything right, the only thing i'm good at is screwing up every single thing I have on hand/come in-touch with. The negative is always louder than the positive in my head, always.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Happy Monthesary <3
We've been together for 2years and 9months, I'm so glad and proud that our relationship is still going strong! Ok all the things I wanna say is in the text I send you yesterday so go read it again haha. You're such a sweetheart, can't wait to see you when your exams are over!! I can only get to see you after 18 days or maybe even longer but good things are worth waiting for yes? :3
I love you Cal, always. All ways.
P/s: we need to start taking pictures tgt again you shy boy.
I love you Cal, always. All ways.
P/s: we need to start taking pictures tgt again you shy boy.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
I'm happy and grateful for the people I meet from work, those few (you know who you are) that never fail to make me miss them and laugh when I'm around them. Friends like this are very hard to find nowadays and I'll cherish each and everyone of you.
Can't wait to see them next week ! Finally something to look forward to, also looking forward for the picnic with my boy later ^-^ <3
Can't wait to see them next week ! Finally something to look forward to, also looking forward for the picnic with my boy later ^-^ <3
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Me
A lot going through my mind, a lot of things to do, no time to get enough sleep. Trying my best to squeeze everything together in my schedule. So busy I forgot to breath. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what am I rushing for. So many things to worry about, so many things to be done.
I need more time so please be patient with me. My head is dead but my heart is awake, I feel things more often nowadays then I think. I stare into space very often and my soul was at another part of the world I wish I could be. Part of me is happy but part of me is not, I know what I want in life but it's not under my control anymore. Don't put your hopes high on me because I'll only disappoint. Plans never ever work out for me so I'll always expect the unexpected.
This is me now, maybe it's apart of growing but I wish I was the me then. I don't want to have anything to worry or care about but this is reality. I'm 19 I should be doing my best to help but the pressure is too strong I feel that I might collapse. It'll be nice if you appreciate me but I wish I was better than your friend's daughter. I'll never be and that is a fact. Each day I tell myself I'm stronger than this but deep down I know I'm breaking. The cracks are obvious but you couldn't see.
Life is hard for me but I still love it because of the people around me, I just wish it wouldn't be so hush on me.
I need more time so please be patient with me. My head is dead but my heart is awake, I feel things more often nowadays then I think. I stare into space very often and my soul was at another part of the world I wish I could be. Part of me is happy but part of me is not, I know what I want in life but it's not under my control anymore. Don't put your hopes high on me because I'll only disappoint. Plans never ever work out for me so I'll always expect the unexpected.
This is me now, maybe it's apart of growing but I wish I was the me then. I don't want to have anything to worry or care about but this is reality. I'm 19 I should be doing my best to help but the pressure is too strong I feel that I might collapse. It'll be nice if you appreciate me but I wish I was better than your friend's daughter. I'll never be and that is a fact. Each day I tell myself I'm stronger than this but deep down I know I'm breaking. The cracks are obvious but you couldn't see.
Life is hard for me but I still love it because of the people around me, I just wish it wouldn't be so hush on me.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
6th March
It's March already, time fly pass so fast. I'm so busy with work it almost felt like I'm rushing time to pass. I have so much to do but so little time. Haven been sleeping much ever since I started work. My schedule is so pack I start my day at 930AM and only manage to have some eye shut at 3/4AM. Everyday is the same routine, I feel like I'm just an empty shell.
It's only days like yesterday I'm lucky I get to meet my boy and everything seems to be so wonderful but I'm not lucky all the time. Now everything is back to how it is, reality - wake up, workouts, lunch, bathe, work, sleep. I really wish I could do more with the 24hrs I have everyday, somehow I feel like I'm not doing enough. Never enough.. or good enough.
Life have been good but that feeling is bad and I really hate it. The sleepless nights, the overthinking, no appetite and then weird cravings (which I don't get it in the end) and stress. It's almost like nothing is wrong but something is not right and you know it. You feel like everything bad that happen around you is your fault and nothing seems right anymore.
The more you try not to think the more it appears in your head. You try to keep yourself a distance away from others and can no longer focus. You like the silence but hate the feeling of being alone. Most of the time it feels like time stopped and the feeling is eating you up alive. Your head hurts and all you want to do is knock yourself out and have a good sleep. & when you do get to sleep it hunts you in your dream. It's a fucking cycle and I don't know how to get out of it. Trying is no longer enough but what exactly is enough I wonder..
Nobody will ever understand because I don't even understand it as well. I thought it's gone for good, looks like I'm wrong once again.
It's only days like yesterday I'm lucky I get to meet my boy and everything seems to be so wonderful but I'm not lucky all the time. Now everything is back to how it is, reality - wake up, workouts, lunch, bathe, work, sleep. I really wish I could do more with the 24hrs I have everyday, somehow I feel like I'm not doing enough. Never enough.. or good enough.
Life have been good but that feeling is bad and I really hate it. The sleepless nights, the overthinking, no appetite and then weird cravings (which I don't get it in the end) and stress. It's almost like nothing is wrong but something is not right and you know it. You feel like everything bad that happen around you is your fault and nothing seems right anymore.
The more you try not to think the more it appears in your head. You try to keep yourself a distance away from others and can no longer focus. You like the silence but hate the feeling of being alone. Most of the time it feels like time stopped and the feeling is eating you up alive. Your head hurts and all you want to do is knock yourself out and have a good sleep. & when you do get to sleep it hunts you in your dream. It's a fucking cycle and I don't know how to get out of it. Trying is no longer enough but what exactly is enough I wonder..
Nobody will ever understand because I don't even understand it as well. I thought it's gone for good, looks like I'm wrong once again.
Monday, February 13, 2012
To my dearest
Today is a special day, a day where almost everyone around the world celebrates with their love ones. To be honest I wasn't looking forward to Valentine's day because to me everyday IS valentine's day. The day doesn't matter, what matter most is the company.
To me you're the most amazing person I've met. You always said that you're none that I said you are but truth is you're my kind of prefect so everything about you to me is prefect. I can never find anything about you that is bad except the fact that you're way too good to me I fell that I don't deserve it.
I love how we always don't have time to meet up and only get to see each other the most 4 times a month but this just shows how strong our relationship are and that makes spending my day staring at you so enjoyable and worth it. Even though it kills me for missing you way too much as I don't get to see you often but the love towards you grown deeper each day and I crave for you more as day passes by.
I like how you always look so great so effortless, even when you are asleep and when you brush your teeth. I like how you have long curly hair now that I can play with when cuddling with you while watching tv. I love the smell on you that even when you sweat you still smell so damn good & I can't help myself, I'll secretly smell you. I hate it when you read a book you get so involved into it that you ignore me all the time when i talk to you but looking at you smiling to yourself just make it hard for me to be mad at you for even a min. I love the way you look at me when you talk to me. I like your voice and I can never get enough of it just like I can never get enough of coffee.
I like how your fingers fit perfectly between mine. I love how when I've stupid ideas you'll always go along with me. I like it when you accompany me to supermarkets to look at food I can't eat. I love who I am when I'm with you and that I love you not because I need you, I need you because I love you.
Without you we will never be able to last this long, I'm looking forward to spend the rest of my life/time I have with you. I love you truly from within my heart cal, happy valentine's day <3
P/s: can't wait to see you later !!!!
To me you're the most amazing person I've met. You always said that you're none that I said you are but truth is you're my kind of prefect so everything about you to me is prefect. I can never find anything about you that is bad except the fact that you're way too good to me I fell that I don't deserve it.
I love how we always don't have time to meet up and only get to see each other the most 4 times a month but this just shows how strong our relationship are and that makes spending my day staring at you so enjoyable and worth it. Even though it kills me for missing you way too much as I don't get to see you often but the love towards you grown deeper each day and I crave for you more as day passes by.
I like how you always look so great so effortless, even when you are asleep and when you brush your teeth. I like how you have long curly hair now that I can play with when cuddling with you while watching tv. I love the smell on you that even when you sweat you still smell so damn good & I can't help myself, I'll secretly smell you. I hate it when you read a book you get so involved into it that you ignore me all the time when i talk to you but looking at you smiling to yourself just make it hard for me to be mad at you for even a min. I love the way you look at me when you talk to me. I like your voice and I can never get enough of it just like I can never get enough of coffee.
I like how your fingers fit perfectly between mine. I love how when I've stupid ideas you'll always go along with me. I like it when you accompany me to supermarkets to look at food I can't eat. I love who I am when I'm with you and that I love you not because I need you, I need you because I love you.
Without you we will never be able to last this long, I'm looking forward to spend the rest of my life/time I have with you. I love you truly from within my heart cal, happy valentine's day <3
P/s: can't wait to see you later !!!!
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