12th January 2013

Time pass so fast it's already day 12 of year 2013. I feel like I've been in a coma for a long time until I look at the date today.. I want to wish my sister Happy 22nd birthday once again!

I was telling Cal yesterday that my blog is always about him like i've nothing else going on in my life but to be honest I like it this way. I rather keep all those drama out of my blog because if I were to blog about those I think I can start writing a series of book lol. Life isn't as simple as we think.

So it's 2013, I've decided to make it my year since it adds up to 6 and that's my core number (LOL FENG SHUI INFLUENCED). I figured it's time I do something for myself and not just for others. To prove to those that look down on me and show them I'm not just a little girl. Hate the fact that people like to judge my capability by my height and size. I might be petite but I'm more than just that.

Work is harder than I expected. I'm really drained out from the 10 hours shifts and to face people who doubt me when something go wrong. I don't expect people to trust me but when people make judgements too quickly about something you didn't do & give you 'warning' to avoid the same thing from happening again, that I cannot tolerate. I can never understand people who can't accept the truth/fact about something or someone. Just because I see clearer so I'm the bad guy for informing about it. That's me 'bad stabbing'? Ok then at least I'm honest and I've nothing to be sorry for. Would still do the same if you gave me a choice to do it all over again.
I rather giving up our friendship than to be someone you think I should be because tbh you don't know me.

Thankful for people around me, those that stick around, accepting me for who I am and those that never once doubt me. I'm willing to do anything for people that I love openly or secretly it doesn't matter but honestly sadly not a lot stayed. I'm grateful for what I have today, all those shit that happened to me made me stronger & more independent and a better person. I know I'm never not good enough for anyone but you know what, I've no more fucks to give. Life will be better if I care less.

26th Dec 2012

I remember waking up on a raining day feeling so warm and cozy in your arms. Realising you've been watching me while I was asleep. Feeling the kisses on my forehead and cheek not knowing if it's real or if it's just a dream until when you look at me with that charming smile of yours greeting me 'hi' softly and kiss me on my nose. All this is real. I feel like the luckiest person on earth and at that moment I wish time would just stop for a few seconds to let me take a good look at you.

You would hug me so tightly when I kola-bear hug you and refuse to let go. You would play with my fingers when we're watching a movie and every few mins you would turn to me to make sure I'm enjoying the show, that I'm not feeling too cold or you would just look at me with a smile and then kiss me. You always let me decide on what we'll be having for dinner even though it's obvious you wanted pizzas. No matter how tired and sleepy you are, you never failed to travel all the way over to accompany me every weekend. You would always wake up early to meet me and then travel home alone on the last train with wet watery red tired eyes.

Spending Christmas with you is like a dream come true. Seeing that excited look and cheeky smile on your face makes me miss you even more. I love the surprise you gave me even though it doesn't really end well but to be honest I can't express how much I love it! I know I didn't looked like I do but trust me my dear it's not about the gift it's you. Now I can't wait to see you again and this time it'll be a date we'll never forget <3

24/11/12 (delayed)

Breakfast with you in the morning is a good start of the day but waking up with you in bed beside me would be perfect. I lost count of the times you blinked your eyes today, the times you had a smile on your face and the amount of times you smelled me secretly thinking I wouldn't know (now you do).

Days with you around makes me feel like I actually have a life. Plans don't ever work out as we want it to be so all I do now is hope, pray and be good so at least I feel that I deserve to hug you tightly when you book out from camp. The wait is horrible, it's a nightmare and torture but you know I would do anything for you. Waiting is just the start of this rollercoaster ride we've be in for 3 years 4 months now and I know all the pain we've gone through is worth it.

You know me best, better than anyone I know even my family. You can tell something is wrong just by my voice or a look but I've to say I'm quite good at masking up all that emotions inside me. I'm so thankful to have you supporting me all the time, to be so understanding and willing to listen to my problems. I know you're always trying your best to help and I love you even more for that. Right now I miss you like crazy, I hope you're doing well in camp and that I'll be able to see you again soon.

10/11/12

When will this feeling ever go away..?

Sometimes I miss you so much so badly I feel the tight aching feeling in my chest I can hardly breathe. I feel the tears in my eyes but everyday I'm fighting hard to not let it show. I'm sad and tired but I'm still fighting this war with you because we're in this together and I know it's all worth it.

With you I feel safe and secure, everything around feels less important and life suddenly seem so wonderful. Your voice chase all the thoughts in my head away and that's the only time my headache is 'cured'. With you is the only time I feel like I exist, that I'm important and that me along with all my efforts is being appreciate.

I know I don't ever show much when I'm with you but I mean it when I say that I love you. I'm holding back as much as possible because I'm an emotional freak, I don't want to end up breaking down in front of you because I cannot express how much you mean to me. I want you healthy, well and happy. You deserve so much more but somehow because of me you're suffering.

I'm very grateful to have you in my life and everyday i pray for the same thing. For you to be safe, healthy and happy. I hope you'll get enough rest and have more time to eat in camp my dear boy. I'll see you very soon again if everything turns out well. Good night xoxo

Day 20 w/o you - 5/11/12

Woke up feeling very unwell, knowing I'll be working alone today and that it's Monday again makes me feel even for ill. It's a new start of the week, already hoping it's Friday now.

Having this weird feeling that this week will be a very long one and so far so true, today was a long and tiring day at work. I spend almost the whole day cleaning all the cufflinks on display. Then I decided to sit down and started reading all the texts Cal send, that makes me smile and feel happy for a good whole hour until my manager called and I've quite a number of task to do.

Cal called today, it made my night. I was secretly wishing that time would stop for a few mins so I'll get to listen to his voice longer but no time flew by and it was time for him to hang. I feel like the guy up there is testing us again. I miss Cal's scent and his handkerchief, need to steal one when I have my chance lol.

Now it's 12:34am, I'm about to meet Cal in his dream. Tomorrow(later) is going to be another cold, boring and longgggg day at work. All I'm looking forward to is having pineapple and watermelon for lunch. I shall turn in now, good night to myself.

03/11/12

Finally it's Saturday and guess who get to book out today!! Finally on a movie date w my dear boy, watched skyfall but the whole time I wasn't actually really paying much attention to the movie. Rather distracted by the scent of him and how good he look. Ok truth is I enjoy watching him lol.

It's funny how both of us were unhappy of our hairstyle but we like each other's instead? I really think Cal look really charming as usual, I mean come on how can he not hahaha =p
He make a very happy girl today even though I'm feeling very nervous and guilty towards him.

Cal attended my grandma's birthday dinner, I'm so glad and grateful that he's willing to even go though he know it's going to be quite awkward w all my relatives around dinning. I was so nervous for him because we dk what to expect but everything was fine at the end of the dinner. It's so sweet of him to be there w and for me, I can't explain enough how bloody lucky I am to have him.

Now it's back to square 1, won't be able to see Cal every weekend anymore in the following 8 months to come.. It's very depressing and tough but I'm sure we can work this out together. It's not going to be easy but it sure is going to be worth it <3

18th day w/o you - 02/11/12

I don't know why I feel so lost. I miss you and getting your text telling me you're booking out from camp excites the hell out of me but at the same time I dk how I'm really supposed to feel??

This few days haven really been that well, everyday feels the same. Cold and empty. I feel like it's been years seen I saw you, time is passing so quickly but at the very same time it felt like forever.. It's way too painful, having to feel and go through this everyday i think my heart is totally used to the ache.

I feel so guilty because I seem like I'm forcing you, it's not supposed to end up like this. This weekend is supposed to be ours but not anymore, I feel so sad why is this happening to us. We have been behaving well we deserve some quality time together!!

I feel like I'm going to explode very soon. So much stress I brought upon myself, I am such a failure.. Good night to you and sweet dreams.