21.01.13

First monthsary in year 2013, it's amazing how we are still so in love even though the amount of time see each other and get to spend time together for this 3 & a half years were so little.

After more than 3 years I still get the butterflies and heart racing feeling towards you, I think it's magical. I feel like I'm falling into a hole that is so deep, there is no limit and I'll just keep falling falling falling.. I don't think there is a limit for the feelings I have towards you cal. Everyday it's growing and i'm proud to say that you're the one I love.

We've been through a lot last 3 years++ and looking back now I'm actually super glad we didn't gave up and never have we once thought of giving up this relationship just because of all the challenges we had to face. I'm so so sooo thankful for your existent. I know there's more challenges to come but baby don't worry we can overcome it together. I'm so blessed to have you in my life (:

All you've to know is that I'm yours to keep for your entire life and I'll always be by you, at your side no matter what happen. I can't promise that I'll always be by your side but my heart and mind is always filled with you and you only. I will give you all my support and I promise to take good care of myself because that's the least I could do, not to make you worried about me.

Life have been hard on you all this while and I'm really sorry I feel like I'm just another 10kg of rice stacking on your shoulders adding to your burden. I love you so much baby, all I could ever wish for is for you to stay happy, healthy, safe and of cos success in everything you do. My greatest regret is not kissing you enough every weekend when I have the chance to. Baby I love you, I miss you so much and wish right now you could be sleeping in my arms. Good night <333

12th January 2013

Time pass so fast it's already day 12 of year 2013. I feel like I've been in a coma for a long time until I look at the date today.. I want to wish my sister Happy 22nd birthday once again!

I was telling Cal yesterday that my blog is always about him like i've nothing else going on in my life but to be honest I like it this way. I rather keep all those drama out of my blog because if I were to blog about those I think I can start writing a series of book lol. Life isn't as simple as we think.

So it's 2013, I've decided to make it my year since it adds up to 6 and that's my core number (LOL FENG SHUI INFLUENCED). I figured it's time I do something for myself and not just for others. To prove to those that look down on me and show them I'm not just a little girl. Hate the fact that people like to judge my capability by my height and size. I might be petite but I'm more than just that.

Work is harder than I expected. I'm really drained out from the 10 hours shifts and to face people who doubt me when something go wrong. I don't expect people to trust me but when people make judgements too quickly about something you didn't do & give you 'warning' to avoid the same thing from happening again, that I cannot tolerate. I can never understand people who can't accept the truth/fact about something or someone. Just because I see clearer so I'm the bad guy for informing about it. That's me 'bad stabbing'? Ok then at least I'm honest and I've nothing to be sorry for. Would still do the same if you gave me a choice to do it all over again.
I rather giving up our friendship than to be someone you think I should be because tbh you don't know me.

Thankful for people around me, those that stick around, accepting me for who I am and those that never once doubt me. I'm willing to do anything for people that I love openly or secretly it doesn't matter but honestly sadly not a lot stayed. I'm grateful for what I have today, all those shit that happened to me made me stronger & more independent and a better person. I know I'm never not good enough for anyone but you know what, I've no more fucks to give. Life will be better if I care less.

26th Dec 2012

I remember waking up on a raining day feeling so warm and cozy in your arms. Realising you've been watching me while I was asleep. Feeling the kisses on my forehead and cheek not knowing if it's real or if it's just a dream until when you look at me with that charming smile of yours greeting me 'hi' softly and kiss me on my nose. All this is real. I feel like the luckiest person on earth and at that moment I wish time would just stop for a few seconds to let me take a good look at you.

You would hug me so tightly when I kola-bear hug you and refuse to let go. You would play with my fingers when we're watching a movie and every few mins you would turn to me to make sure I'm enjoying the show, that I'm not feeling too cold or you would just look at me with a smile and then kiss me. You always let me decide on what we'll be having for dinner even though it's obvious you wanted pizzas. No matter how tired and sleepy you are, you never failed to travel all the way over to accompany me every weekend. You would always wake up early to meet me and then travel home alone on the last train with wet watery red tired eyes.

Spending Christmas with you is like a dream come true. Seeing that excited look and cheeky smile on your face makes me miss you even more. I love the surprise you gave me even though it doesn't really end well but to be honest I can't express how much I love it! I know I didn't looked like I do but trust me my dear it's not about the gift it's you. Now I can't wait to see you again and this time it'll be a date we'll never forget <3

24/11/12 (delayed)

Breakfast with you in the morning is a good start of the day but waking up with you in bed beside me would be perfect. I lost count of the times you blinked your eyes today, the times you had a smile on your face and the amount of times you smelled me secretly thinking I wouldn't know (now you do).

Days with you around makes me feel like I actually have a life. Plans don't ever work out as we want it to be so all I do now is hope, pray and be good so at least I feel that I deserve to hug you tightly when you book out from camp. The wait is horrible, it's a nightmare and torture but you know I would do anything for you. Waiting is just the start of this rollercoaster ride we've be in for 3 years 4 months now and I know all the pain we've gone through is worth it.

You know me best, better than anyone I know even my family. You can tell something is wrong just by my voice or a look but I've to say I'm quite good at masking up all that emotions inside me. I'm so thankful to have you supporting me all the time, to be so understanding and willing to listen to my problems. I know you're always trying your best to help and I love you even more for that. Right now I miss you like crazy, I hope you're doing well in camp and that I'll be able to see you again soon.

10/11/12

When will this feeling ever go away..?

Sometimes I miss you so much so badly I feel the tight aching feeling in my chest I can hardly breathe. I feel the tears in my eyes but everyday I'm fighting hard to not let it show. I'm sad and tired but I'm still fighting this war with you because we're in this together and I know it's all worth it.

With you I feel safe and secure, everything around feels less important and life suddenly seem so wonderful. Your voice chase all the thoughts in my head away and that's the only time my headache is 'cured'. With you is the only time I feel like I exist, that I'm important and that me along with all my efforts is being appreciate.

I know I don't ever show much when I'm with you but I mean it when I say that I love you. I'm holding back as much as possible because I'm an emotional freak, I don't want to end up breaking down in front of you because I cannot express how much you mean to me. I want you healthy, well and happy. You deserve so much more but somehow because of me you're suffering.

I'm very grateful to have you in my life and everyday i pray for the same thing. For you to be safe, healthy and happy. I hope you'll get enough rest and have more time to eat in camp my dear boy. I'll see you very soon again if everything turns out well. Good night xoxo

Day 20 w/o you - 5/11/12

Woke up feeling very unwell, knowing I'll be working alone today and that it's Monday again makes me feel even for ill. It's a new start of the week, already hoping it's Friday now.

Having this weird feeling that this week will be a very long one and so far so true, today was a long and tiring day at work. I spend almost the whole day cleaning all the cufflinks on display. Then I decided to sit down and started reading all the texts Cal send, that makes me smile and feel happy for a good whole hour until my manager called and I've quite a number of task to do.

Cal called today, it made my night. I was secretly wishing that time would stop for a few mins so I'll get to listen to his voice longer but no time flew by and it was time for him to hang. I feel like the guy up there is testing us again. I miss Cal's scent and his handkerchief, need to steal one when I have my chance lol.

Now it's 12:34am, I'm about to meet Cal in his dream. Tomorrow(later) is going to be another cold, boring and longgggg day at work. All I'm looking forward to is having pineapple and watermelon for lunch. I shall turn in now, good night to myself.

03/11/12

Finally it's Saturday and guess who get to book out today!! Finally on a movie date w my dear boy, watched skyfall but the whole time I wasn't actually really paying much attention to the movie. Rather distracted by the scent of him and how good he look. Ok truth is I enjoy watching him lol.

It's funny how both of us were unhappy of our hairstyle but we like each other's instead? I really think Cal look really charming as usual, I mean come on how can he not hahaha =p
He make a very happy girl today even though I'm feeling very nervous and guilty towards him.

Cal attended my grandma's birthday dinner, I'm so glad and grateful that he's willing to even go though he know it's going to be quite awkward w all my relatives around dinning. I was so nervous for him because we dk what to expect but everything was fine at the end of the dinner. It's so sweet of him to be there w and for me, I can't explain enough how bloody lucky I am to have him.

Now it's back to square 1, won't be able to see Cal every weekend anymore in the following 8 months to come.. It's very depressing and tough but I'm sure we can work this out together. It's not going to be easy but it sure is going to be worth it <3

18th day w/o you - 02/11/12

I don't know why I feel so lost. I miss you and getting your text telling me you're booking out from camp excites the hell out of me but at the same time I dk how I'm really supposed to feel??

This few days haven really been that well, everyday feels the same. Cold and empty. I feel like it's been years seen I saw you, time is passing so quickly but at the very same time it felt like forever.. It's way too painful, having to feel and go through this everyday i think my heart is totally used to the ache.

I feel so guilty because I seem like I'm forcing you, it's not supposed to end up like this. This weekend is supposed to be ours but not anymore, I feel so sad why is this happening to us. We have been behaving well we deserve some quality time together!!

I feel like I'm going to explode very soon. So much stress I brought upon myself, I am such a failure.. Good night to you and sweet dreams.

Day 15 w/o you - 30/10/12

Went to work with the worst headache, bodyache and sore eyes.

Physically I'm sick buy mentally I'm alright, I really don't wanna get mc I just started work for a month if I take mc it's gonna show how weak I am.. Suck to be me. I miss Calvan I hope he's ippt went well today, so worried he's gonna stress himself out in camp )=

Tomorrow is pay day, which is now since it's already 12:35am. Can't wait to check my account in the morning later at work hehehe. So much work waiting for me to do I'm so excited and looking forward to keep myself busy later. Now just praying hard that my headache will be gone when I wake up later. Good night so sleepyyy..

CSKW WHERE ARE YOU )'=

Day 14 w/o you - 29/10/12

Work started at 11am, I spend my time slowly wiping every single mirror/glass in the shop, water the plants, singing and dancing along to the music. I bet the person in the office must be having a good laugh because I do quite a lot of stupid things when I'm alone..

I wonder if my boy is under the hot sun in his uniform and white shorts doing very tough physical training while I'm freezing in the shop staring into space most of the time. I started looking for things to do to keep myself busy, time pass faster this way and I would be able to let Cal take a good rest from running though my mind 24/7.

Started playing chess on the laptop until Mabel arrived. Time passed really fast today and I'm quite pleased and amazed, I was secretly hoping there will be a bunch of customers coming in to collect their shirts so I can start getting busy again but oh well better luck next time.

2 more days to pay day, oh boy I'm so so soooooo looking forward to it. Just keeping my fingers crossed that my commission will be in tgt with my basic pay this month, I won't make it with jut my basic pay because..heavily in.. debt. Feel so lousy and useless sigh. Just let me have a better sales tomorrow please, or a better day I'm working closing alone!

So grateful that I get such a great job, I like my job and feel very very lucky that I'm part of the company now. Really cherish this chance given to me, I really didn't thought they would hire me when I first went for the interview. Feel so thankful, especially people around me who showed support.

Special thanks to my dear boy who is always there for me, supporting me and believing in me!! I can't wait to see him on the weekend <3 good night~

Day 13 w/o you - 27/10/12

It's a Saturday which also means that it's my day off. A day for me to rest both physically and mentally.

Friday my boy got a day off from camp and because he needs to get his attire for camp he came over to visit me at work, I'm so glad I get to see him because I'm already going crazy knowing that he can't receive most of my text and that he hardly gets to use his cellphone. It was nice and that was the only time I wish that time will stop or pass slower because he's with me at work. Helping me to cut loose strings from the customers tailored shirts haha so adorable ^^

I feel so bad because I didn't realise he's not feeling well until he told me, good thing that he went to the doctor now I just hope he can recover asap. Ever since he went to camp he's been getting sick a lot more often than I do, I wish I was the one getting sick sigh. I can't imagine how hard it is gonna be for him to be training in camp and be sick at the same time. Heartache X 100

It's 1:17am now, happy Sunday everyone. Work later at 11am and here I am not asleep because as usual my mind doesn't seems to be tired.. I feel ill but I don't wanna take mc. Just 3 more days till I get my salary, I have survive!!

Sigh today will be a better day. Hopefully no more sore eyes, nose bleed and headache.. Urgh gd nite

Day 9 w/o you

Good morning it's now 10:31am, I'm on my way to work. Feel very excited because today onwards every mon, wed, fri and Sunday I'll be working 11-830! Nothing beats going home early from work, I am so happy when my manager called last night to tell me the changes he made to our schedule.

Also another thing keeping me smiling all day yesterday was my handsome Saw called!!! I was jumping around in joy after we hung up haha I was too happy the feeling is overwhelming. I was smiling the whole time on the phone with him but i know he's tired and things over at his side is not 'alright' like he claim to be. I hope he won't be too hard on himself..

Having sore throat for junking out the last 2 days, eating toast for breakfast was a bad idea I think my throat just got worst. My headache and flu is getting worst. Guess there's a price to pay when you luck is getting better but it's all worth it.

I miss my boy everyday, so so much. And I feel so sad that he never recieved any of my text, stupid M1 sigh.. 2 more weeks till I get to hug you <3

Day 7 w/o you

I'm at work currently and it's finally 5pm. Have been busy cutting over 22 pieces of cloths since 1130am till 4pm. I'm just done eating my late lunch, cheap and tasty sweet potato my new favorite haha.

Received a text from my dear boy just 10 mins ago and oh boy I'm so happy!! I've been waiting very patiently for his text, I think my neck is about 10 inches long from all the waiting lol. Can't wait to see cal soon, by the time he is back I think he's hair would be longer? Can't decide if I like him w or w/o hair hahahha, he is borned with good looks hmm.

Tomorrow I can finally sleep in hehe, love it when I can sleep in but it would be great if I'm in Cal's arms asleep. That would be perfect. I hope he's really doing fine in camp as he claimed to be, I don't want him come back looking smaller than I am haha that's not good. Oh boy I miss him so much why is time passing so slow today I need 930 to here already sigh.

I am so whiny, almost every customers commented about my height btw and I feel like I'm famous lol. Quite. Never see short people before meh so amazed for what, make all your shirts 2X bigger than you all know. I'm like a free entertainer at work, I must be very funny. Yes? I agreed.

Calvan Saw please stay healthy and safe please please please I miss you too much and I'm freezing at work )':

Mondays Suck.

Day 5 w/o you <3

It's my off day today and weeks before today we planned to meet up to celebrate our monthsary.

I lied about me able to cope and make sure I'm strong enough not to let this love sick effect me but it's getting quite out of hand I feel so sick and unwell. Both physically and mentally. I'm constantly making jokes out of everything around me, making
everyone around me laugh just so I can laugh too but deep inside I'm still feeling like shit..

I don't know how I'm gonna make it through but I'll try. I know it's hard for you too as it is for me so I shouldn't whine and complain every chance I get. I just miss you so badly it's so painful. I feel like I'm being tore apart and I'm just hanging here on a thread waiting for the thread to break from my weight.

I feel so lost. Everyday when I wake up I tell myself it's gonna be a better day and I'm one day closer to see you again but my day always feels like forever. I promise you I'll take good care of myself so I did and I brought food to work everyday. Eating cold brownrice is not funny, I'm so sick of it already thinking of food makes me very sick now but I know I got to eat to survive. I must not break my promise to you.

I wonder what you're dreaming now you must be asleep. It's 1:16am, the 21st baby. Happy monthsary, 3 years & 3 months we've been through a lot together. I'm so lucky to have you, there's more to come and I'm looking forward to walk this path with you. It's you and me against the world cal and I love you <3 sleep tight xoxoxo

Day 3 w/o you

Feeling really tired yet excited when I woke up in the morning, tired because yesterday was a very busy day at work so we ended late and I slept at 1am haha.

Today will be another busy day at work, have a lot to be done which is why I'm excited. I need time to pass by faster, I need lots of work to do I need to keep myself busy. I need to be too busy to think of cal, I need more work to do so I will stop counting the amount of days left to see him.. Painful but worth it.

I feel like my body is breaking apart but I believe I'm stronger than this. Falling I'll in the first month of work just shows how weak I actually am. I think my headache decided to stay and he invited flu along so ya I guess they're staying long term.

2 more days and I'll be able to rest, 12 more days to pay day and 17 more days till you're back. I sound like a girl with no life but that's because Cal's away. I hope he still gets his ice cream every Tuesday in camp haha, ice cream is the cure for sadness and loneliness.

Isit normal to feel heartbroken when your love ones are away? The feeling when you feel your heart is being crashed and that you can hardly breath. Your chest hurts so badly it almost feels like you're getting a heartattack, you blank out when you're alone, you smile to yourself when thinking of the memories you both had and then you feel empty throughout the day. Everyday is a cycle, a struggle, a day closer to you..

Today will be a better day Eunice.

Day 2 w/o you

I received a text this morning and I ran over feeling excited thinking it was Cal until I saw 'M1'. I know he won't be able to use his phone so what am I hoping for? Sigh I'm just giving myself more heartache than I already have..

Yesterday I spend my day at work spacing out a lot, managed to distract myself with the food my colleuages and I brought for work and had a little potluck going on in the shop.

Then I suddenly remember the time when cal make me scramble eggs for dinner.. It's like he's everywhere, even going to the toilet makes me think of him. This is harder than I expect it to be, 3 weeks urgh it's almost 1 month.. Ok I can do this I need to learn to not depend on him so much.

Today I brought rice and scramble eggs w ham to work for brunch & dinner. When you're broke it's no longer funny. Did I mention I made a very good friend at work? No? Ok I just did haha. Working with her makes me look forward to work, her name is Mabel btw. She's too funny and blur, not those bitchy kind so ya I am grateful for her to be my colleuage.

I'm now on the train heading to orchard back to fn to settle my giftcard, this is a chore I'm so not willing to go back there. I just don't like it there and being back there makes me feel very insecure somehow. Just gonna get this over and done with for now. It's 10:23am I'm planning to be late for work because I'm always way too early. I deserve this hahaha ok jokes.
Today will be a good day. I hope.

P.s - I miss you so much )'=

Tomorrow is Day 1 ):

It's the day of the week when you pack everything and prepare yourself for camp. Everytime when this 'last day' of your bookout/freedom arrives I've the urge to cab over to your place and kidnap you and just pour super glue all over me and hug you so you can't leave. But I know you have to so I wish that you'll stay healthy and be back safe !

I'd tell myself it's just 3 weeks no big deal but the fact that you might not even get to use your phone makes me very worried. What if they don't feed you enough ? What if your knee starts to ache again ?? What if your rashes decided to come back and visit you ?! Ok I'm thinking too much but I just can't stop myself from thinking all the 'what if'..

Right now I'm at work with the most horrible headache and eating sour plumb. It's freezing in here and I'm falling asleep. It's 5:31pm I can't wait for 9 to come so I can start packing. Left w $7.20 for to survive the next $12 days good luck Eunice..

I find it so hard to distract myself from thinking of you. All the fun times and heart2heart talks we have, the way you hold my hand and look at me, how happy you look while messing up my hair and how incredible you smell all the freaking time. I'm going to miss you so bad that when someone walk pass me he'll will start cutting his wrist.

Now I'm looking forward to see you and then we can go shopping (hehe) together ! My life is never gonna be complete without you, I think that's what it reflect from my blog and it's a fact. I'm so sleepy oh god where is hero Saw I could really use a hug right now ~

For my one and only <3

You're always leaving, i'm always waiting, we're always apart but both our hearts stay and nothing have change. Infact our relationship grew stronger and deeper each day. It's no longer just you and me it's 'we', I believe we can make through this.

3 weeks seems short but it's a bloody long time to me. I'll miss you extremely badly and I know you would feel the same too. This heartache is not the best feeling but I know it shows how important you are to me and that's the msg I want it to get across to you when I said 'My heart is aching'.

Life without you is a nightmare but I'll cherish everyday single day, work hard at work and look forward to you back to my side. If you're reading this my dear remember don't ever doubt yourself or your ability to do anything. Have more faith in yourself just like you have it in us. There is nothing in the world you can't do, just do your best and whatever it is I'm still going to be very proud of you.

This is hard for the both of us but at the end of the day our plan will work out just fine and eventually everything will fall into place. All this will be worth it so don't give up alright ? Hang in there baby we're almost there, as each day passes by we're nearer to our goals. I hope you're feeling better and your rashes to be gone by now.

Good night my dear cal <3 xoxoxo

Hello October (In advance)

A fresh start, feels like I'm given a second live and I'm reborn again but this time I'm gonna make sure everything goes according to plan. Planning something ahead usually don't work out that well for me or should I say it never did worked?

Hmm. Found a job, something new and I'm quite looking forward. What I'm worried about is that I might let them down because I still new and I don't think I'm a fast learner at all. I need at least a week to be comfortable with new people around me, when i get nervous I can't pronouns words clearly but trust me I'm trying my best to kick this bad habit away.

Went to take a look at the shop and that was when I start getting nervous about work. I wasn't at first really I was more excited but now whenever I think about it the butterflies in my stomach start flying around making me nauseous. I don't think I'll be able to sleep the night before work, that's bad.

I'm very thankful for the job and I really didn't expected to be hired but everything happen for a reason yes? Hopefully the wheel is spinning right and it's the start of good luck coming my way. I really need to do well this time especially for my math paper next year.
You only get what you want if you work your ass for it, I understand this and I'm not going to disappoint everyone around me again this time. No matter how much I hate math this time i NEED to ace it.

I believe that this time everything will work out well as long as I focus. The first 2 weeks will always be the worst but I'm gonna get used to it. This is a brand new start to make a better me. Not giving up because I know I'm better than this.

P/s: I'd the best waffles w ice cream w Cal earlier and that $16 is worth it.

Pp/s: Did I mention I'm broke & on a extremely tight budget? Gonna eat air till I get my pay.

I can't find words to describe how I feel now, it's like I'm trapped. I want to do great things, start drawing and painting again. I want to make sure everything goes according to plan, I need to start climbing towards my goal in life now. I want to be happy and see everyone around me happy. I don't wanna be rich or famous or anything I just need life to be a little bit better in all ways.

Even if I have to give up my dreams in studying art to reach my goal, I would. I need some luck, some motivation and determination. I need to start working hard for what I want in future. Most importantly I need to love math, try to at least. I need and want to ace it this time.
Just wake up from daydreaming already Eunice, it's time you make yourself and everyone around you feel proud. All you need is a little faith and a push, don't fall back to square 1 and throw your effort and money down the drain. Luck will start coming your way if you believe in yourself a little more.