Have been trying my hardest to not think about Cal the whole day but I failed really badly so here I am typing on my phone while I lie in bed trying to fall asleep but can't at 03:22am. Yes I am a vampire you're right no doubt. A lonely one haha.
Ok I admit I'm almost always alone, all I do is eat watch tv, workout and sleep (not much..) and I'm missing out a lot out there but I'm still not ready to step out of my comfort zone..yet. I do miss my friends but I do strongly feel that my friends are living quite happy without me so I don't think it'll make much difference with or without me.
That's what I feel cause to be honest I'm not that of a good friend. I'm sure most of my friends think that, it's ok I understand I haven been there for any of you when you needed someone and I am truly sorry, really.
I've changed so much and I'm quite comfortable being the me now, I'm no longer sociable, still funny (w ppl I'm close to), straight forward, still hate crowded places and also trying to adapt to new environments and people at the same time. Doesn't mean that I don't text or call or hang out with you all as often anymore means I've forgotten about you or 'changed' (everyone do) alright. I still miss/love each and everyone of you!! Erm it's just that I need space (?) hanging out is fun of cos and I love it but I kinda love the alone time a little more somehow.. Selfish of me I know.
I do have friends and I can count them all by my hands which is more than enough for me. Everyone is slowly drifting away, the problem lies with me because I seems to always be pushing people away I know and I am guilty for it. I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm going through or thinking or the way I'm behaving but all you guys need to know is that I do cherish all of you. It's just that I'm not who you think I am.
I'm weird and possibly the worst person you've ever know and if you're are mad or unhappy with me because I've too much alone time with myself then I've to apologise again. I am sorry for neglecting any of you who even mind me not being in your life, I am the worst person ever and I'm sorry for that. You all just got to know that all of you are still in my heart. Everybody express love differently, I just choose to do it silently. I don't wanna do it for show to get something in return..
Right now I'm sleepy and missing Cal very badly, good to have his hoodie. I should go to bed, swimming later yay~
