Hello October (In advance)

A fresh start, feels like I'm given a second live and I'm reborn again but this time I'm gonna make sure everything goes according to plan. Planning something ahead usually don't work out that well for me or should I say it never did worked?

Hmm. Found a job, something new and I'm quite looking forward. What I'm worried about is that I might let them down because I still new and I don't think I'm a fast learner at all. I need at least a week to be comfortable with new people around me, when i get nervous I can't pronouns words clearly but trust me I'm trying my best to kick this bad habit away.

Went to take a look at the shop and that was when I start getting nervous about work. I wasn't at first really I was more excited but now whenever I think about it the butterflies in my stomach start flying around making me nauseous. I don't think I'll be able to sleep the night before work, that's bad.

I'm very thankful for the job and I really didn't expected to be hired but everything happen for a reason yes? Hopefully the wheel is spinning right and it's the start of good luck coming my way. I really need to do well this time especially for my math paper next year.
You only get what you want if you work your ass for it, I understand this and I'm not going to disappoint everyone around me again this time. No matter how much I hate math this time i NEED to ace it.

I believe that this time everything will work out well as long as I focus. The first 2 weeks will always be the worst but I'm gonna get used to it. This is a brand new start to make a better me. Not giving up because I know I'm better than this.

P/s: I'd the best waffles w ice cream w Cal earlier and that $16 is worth it.

Pp/s: Did I mention I'm broke & on a extremely tight budget? Gonna eat air till I get my pay.

I can't find words to describe how I feel now, it's like I'm trapped. I want to do great things, start drawing and painting again. I want to make sure everything goes according to plan, I need to start climbing towards my goal in life now. I want to be happy and see everyone around me happy. I don't wanna be rich or famous or anything I just need life to be a little bit better in all ways.

Even if I have to give up my dreams in studying art to reach my goal, I would. I need some luck, some motivation and determination. I need to start working hard for what I want in future. Most importantly I need to love math, try to at least. I need and want to ace it this time.
Just wake up from daydreaming already Eunice, it's time you make yourself and everyone around you feel proud. All you need is a little faith and a push, don't fall back to square 1 and throw your effort and money down the drain. Luck will start coming your way if you believe in yourself a little more.

3years 2months <3

Happy monthsary Cal, I know it's just another monthsary but because we hardly have enough time to spend together and after being together for so long I've learnt to cherish you and every moment we have.

It's funny how everytime when I'm deciding on either buying or doing something I'll always think of you before I buy or do it like for example cutting my hair lol. I really didn't expect us to last in the past but now I can't imagine if 'we' no longer exist. You're way too important to me, even the though of my life without you scares me. It's like I can instantly feel the heartbreak and that is the last thing anyone would want to feel..

I believe we will have more time for each other in the near future and that the feeling we have for each other will grow. You're the sweetest, smartest, bravest, strongest and the greatest to me. We both are stubborn but trust me my dear you're more than who you think you are.
Obviously you know yourself better than anyone else (including me) but it's different because when I say I love you I meant that I love every inch of you and that includes your flaws, your imperfection, your character, your habits not just you physically. With everything add up it's my kind of perfect <3

I miss you I hope you're feeling much better now. Good night xoxo

<3

So thankful that I get to see Cal 2 days in a row but that's quite fair because the both of us think that the time we get to spend tgt on Saturday was far too short haha (fact). It's not the best idea to meet him on the day when he needs to book in to camp but I'm really glad I get to see him today because yesterday my heart was feeling so heavy I felt like I could die anytime in my sleep (I was sleepy finally).

He once told me he's not good with words but that was obviously a lie lol, ok maybe he didn't realised he's good but ya. He is always so sweet in both text msg and irl I literally wanna squeeze him, hug him and not let go. That's when you see rainbows coming out of my ear. I never dared to hug him like that in public even if I've the f***ing urge to. Let me tell you it's not easy to keep all that joy inside I just wanna let it burst out and blind everyone with the excitement I have so I can really hug him tightly!! Apparently that only happens in my head.. Heh.

My bed is calling out for me. Next week will be a great one, I can sense it I really can! This week is a fresh start ~

I am weird

Have been trying my hardest to not think about Cal the whole day but I failed really badly so here I am typing on my phone while I lie in bed trying to fall asleep but can't at 03:22am. Yes I am a vampire you're right no doubt. A lonely one haha.

Ok I admit I'm almost always alone, all I do is eat watch tv, workout and sleep (not much..) and I'm missing out a lot out there but I'm still not ready to step out of my comfort zone..yet. I do miss my friends but I do strongly feel that my friends are living quite happy without me so I don't think it'll make much difference with or without me.
That's what I feel cause to be honest I'm not that of a good friend. I'm sure most of my friends think that, it's ok I understand I haven been there for any of you when you needed someone and I am truly sorry, really.

I've changed so much and I'm quite comfortable being the me now, I'm no longer sociable, still funny (w ppl I'm close to), straight forward, still hate crowded places and also trying to adapt to new environments and people at the same time. Doesn't mean that I don't text or call or hang out with you all as often anymore means I've forgotten about you or 'changed' (everyone do) alright. I still miss/love each and everyone of you!! Erm it's just that I need space (?) hanging out is fun of cos and I love it but I kinda love the alone time a little more somehow.. Selfish of me I know.

I do have friends and I can count them all by my hands which is more than enough for me. Everyone is slowly drifting away, the problem lies with me because I seems to always be pushing people away I know and I am guilty for it. I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm going through or thinking or the way I'm behaving but all you guys need to know is that I do cherish all of you. It's just that I'm not who you think I am.

I'm weird and possibly the worst person you've ever know and if you're are mad or unhappy with me because I've too much alone time with myself then I've to apologise again. I am sorry for neglecting any of you who even mind me not being in your life, I am the worst person ever and I'm sorry for that. You all just got to know that all of you are still in my heart. Everybody express love differently, I just choose to do it silently. I don't wanna do it for show to get something in return..

Right now I'm sleepy and missing Cal very badly, good to have his hoodie. I should go to bed, swimming later yay~

Weekends

The day I look forward to the most is Saturday because I know I'll get to see Cal but I hate it that we always don't have enough time together. I'm really grateful I even get the chance to see him at least once a week but greedy me as usual I wanted more. There I go again, in case you don't know whining is sort of my gift.

I have so much in mind and there are way too many things I don't want to do but I have to face it because I don't have a choice. All I really want right now is to be able to have a nice, peaceful sleep. A sleep that I won't wake up feeling like I'm dying or that I know I barely slept for 3 hours. Even Cal noticed my lack of sleep when I'm wearing makeup. That's not good..

To be honest I do somehow admirer myself for being able to pull through so much shit in life and do so much even though I hardly gets enough sleep. Enough sleep for a normal person I would say and my body is so wonderful for not feeling tired even though my mind is. Human is a wonderful creature, agree?
I love weekends but hate it at the same time because that means Monday is up next. Not that I hate Monday since it's a fresh start but Monday is so far from Saturday you see.. I'm already hating Sunday right now, sleepless night like this makes you think and talk a lot but it all doesn't make sense. It's almost 3AM I wonder how many people have you killed in your game hmm ~

P/s: Cal if you are reading this I'm sorry I've to say this again, I love you.

1/9/12

Today was a good start of September even though I woke up way too early than I should and couldn't get back to sleep after that as usual.. Woke up with a text by Cal and boy i was so excited, i can't believe the fact that the horrible 2 weeks have passed and I'll be able to see him!!!
I know it's just 2 weeks so what's the big deal about it but let me explain it's not as easy as it seems to be and I really felt like it's taking forever. I have the tendency to overreact when he's away and when it's almost 'the time of the month'. Valid reason I say.

Today was great, listening to him talk about how his poor swollen nose got injured from camp, watch him smile and eat the buns I steamed (one for each of us) as he happily ate both lol. Watching him is actually the best part of the day during our dates, he's just so... different. Ok rephrase, more of like my kind of perfect.
Every time when I'm with Cal this bitchy-childish side of me never fails to show but him being so incredibly sweet as always is nice and patience enough to tolerate my nonsense, he even tried ways to make me smile ^^ At the end of the day I always learn something new from him eg. ways to make myself a better person or ways to live happier. It's quite obvious I put him as the main key of happiness in life and i depend on him a lot but I know he can't always be there for me and I shouldn't rely on him so much. I feel like I'm a ticking bomb he shouldn't had carried but at the same time I'm too selfish to let him go.

With all the good luck kisses I'm very sure this month will be a very good start and a good one! Well at least for him I hope! I'm actually very thankful for the fact that someone so great/awesome/sweet like Cal would fall for someone like me. If this month still stink for me then so be it, I'm sure there are ways to fish some positive luck over haha.

I'm sorry this is a really long and cheesy post but if you're reading this it means you've read all that above and I'm very thankful you did because if I were you I might just skip that whole essay and go eat some grapes and have coffee or tea. Either one is great because I'm freezing right now and am craving for grapes.. .___.

It's 04:38AM I'm very very very extremely tired but not sleepy. Yet. I shall go roll in bed and eventually I'll fall asleep.. B-tee-double-U, Good morning :3